The Only Way Up is Down

Losing Weight and Learning to Love Myself

Remember to Look at the Big Picture April 16, 2017

Filed under: Self Reflection — The Only Way Up is Down @ 7:30 am

Sometimes I get too wrapped up the the immediate. I look at my most recent weigh in progress booklet and only see a string up gains. Yesterday I finally had a loss. I managed to drop 1.8 pounds over the week. Not because I was perfect, but because I just tried a little bit harder. I tracked the first few days, everything I ate. I only had fast food twice. I went to the gym and yoga class. I tried to do a little bit better than I had been. I had to remind myself that I can’t throw all of my hard work away just because of a few slip ups.

Its like when I look at my weight progress for the last month, or even two or three or four months. I just see things going in the wrong direction.

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This image is discouraging. Looking at it makes me want to give up. It makes me feel defeated.

But when I look at the bigger picture, I see how far I have come.

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I’ve had some ups and downs in the last year and a half. That’s okay, that’s normal. Sure, I’ve had a flat tire for a little while, but that doesn’t mean I need to slash the other three. I’ve come a long way and learned a lot. I just need to remember to look at the big picture. At my meeting yesterday, I re-hit 20 pounds. I don’t usually celebrate when I re-lose something that I’ve already gotten a 5 pound star for, but this time I did. If I don’t celebrate these re-loses, I won’t have celebrated 20 pounds by the time I get to where I was last June – and that isn’t fair for me to do to myself. I will have worked just as hard as I did the first time. If it was anyone else I would say, “Celebrate! You did the work – twice! You deserve a little celebration!” It’s time I start treating myself the way I treat others, damn it.

 

It’s Been a While March 18, 2017

Filed under: Self Reflection,Weigh Ins — The Only Way Up is Down @ 4:30 pm

I haven’t updated this blog in four years. Since my last writing, I still have not achieved my goal of losing weight. I just keep giving Weight Watchers all my money, telling myself “This is the time I do it for real!” I am still very overweight.

In fact, in 3 years or so, I gained 40 pounds. Last year, at the beginning of summer, I went to my weigh in, prepared for a gain, only to find out that I had hit the 40 pound mark. I had lost all of the weight I had gained after graduate school in about six months. I was so proud. I had never lost that much weight before. I felt amazing. I was was practically walking on a cloud. I felt like I was finally “doing it.” I had my routines, I had my favorite foods to pack for lunch, I was weighing all of my snacks on the food scale, I was going to a meeting every week, I was making dinners for myself and my boyfriend from the Skinnytaste cookbook I got for Christmas. I was feeling so great and so proud of myself.

I got a fairly stressful summer job with  long and and kind of odd hours, and I let that be an excuse to slack on tracking, slack on going to meetings, and slack on doing all of the other things that had made me so successful in the previous six months. I think I gained about 13 pounds between June and September.

At the end of August, again, I got a new job. I was over the moon about it. As the weeks went on, I discovered just how hard it can be to work in a Title I school. I love the work, but it is indeed difficult. I routinely walk between 10,000 and 12,000 steps a day at work alone, but my weight keeps creeping up. I haven’t been dealing with the stress in a healthy way. I don’t know many days I have stopped at a fast food drive through on my way home to sit in my car and shame-eat a cheeseburger and fries, suppressing my feelings underneath the calories. I know I shouldn’t do it. I argue with myself about it. I tell myself, “Not today, sister! You’re better than that!” I sit behind a car or two in the drive though, “It’s not too late, you can still change your mind!” But I don’t change my mind. I order my greasy calories and hope that my boyfriend won’t smell them on my breath when I get home. I hope that he won’t see me sneaking the bag to the trash bin in the parking lot. He knows that I do this sometimes, I’ve confessed a few times to my cheeseburger sins. He does not know that I have done it so many times, though. I am ashamed of myself and my inability to have more willpower.

I went to my meeting this morning, I’m up a little over half a pound. My weight has been wavering since September. Currently, I’m only up 3 pounds from when I started the new job. I think that over years I have learned a lot. I am a lot stronger than I think I am. This afternoon I remembered that I had this blog and decided that it could be a good way to explore my weight loss journey in a more healthful way. I have a feeling that writing will also be a much better way to deal with my stress and feelings than by staring down the bottom of a secret fast food bag.

For this week I have two goals:

  1. No fast food
  2. Track my points at least 3 days
 

5K. January 23, 2013

Filed under: Self Reflection — The Only Way Up is Down @ 11:41 am

I just registered for a 5K – Color Me Rad, in April. I don’t think that I have ever ran that far in my life. I’m back to doing C25k and this time my bff is doing it with me. As I’ve already paid the fee, I’m feeling pretty damn committed. I’m excited and nervous. But I’m going to be a runner, damnit, and nothing is going to stop me!

80 days until the big day. 

 

Back Fat. August 16, 2012

Filed under: Self Reflection — The Only Way Up is Down @ 12:48 pm

Back. Fat.

These two little words have had quite an impact on me.

I cried in the shower.

I’ve never had this before.

I started going to Weight Watchers again to discover that I had gained 12 pounds since graduation.

No wonder I suddenly felt my hip fat and back fat squishing together uncomfortably while in the shower.

This is the last time. The last damn time.

I know I say that a lot.

But this time, I have back fat.

I could tell I had gained weight without the aid of a mirror or too-tight jeans.

So I went back to Weight Watchers.

That first week I lost 3.4 pounds.

How many will it be this week? We’ll find out on Saturday.

Good riddance, Back Fat.

 

3.1 April 29, 2012

Filed under: Self Reflection — The Only Way Up is Down @ 12:17 pm

I’ve been seriously slacking on updating my blog. 

Last night I got the distance on the treadmill to 3.1 miles. That’s a 5k! Go me! I’m planning on doing a real 5k this summer, and I want to be ready. I know that running on the road and the treadmill are different animals, but for now, I prefer the gym. Of course, I’m not in good enough shape yet to run three miles straight, so I have been alternating walking and running at quarter-mile intervals. So, in total, last night I ran a mile and a half! I’m pretty excited. 

I decided I wanted a bit of a challenge to get me through the month of May. I’m going to challenge myself to put in 50 miles on the treadmill during the month. Hopefully in about a week or two, I’ll be able to run a half mile straight. 

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My only goal for this was to do it in less than an hour.

I’m looking forward to the time it takes me to haul my buns 3.1 miles going down. 

Did I mention I lost 2.4 pounds this week? I (for the third and last time) hit the 10 pound mark. From here on out, that number will only grow.

 

 

Going Home March 18, 2012

Filed under: c25k,Self Reflection,SFT,Weigh Ins — The Only Way Up is Down @ 11:15 am

I’m going home on Tuesday. I’ll be there for two weeks. Again, like before Winter Break, I’m going to need a game plan. Thankfully my mom is also on WW and doing c25k (which I’ve been slacking majorly on).

I tried out SFT for the first two days of last week. I think it would have been easier if I had a lot more “power foods” in the kitchen. The rest of the week I went back to regular counting points. I also ate a lot of baked chips (I seriously need to just not buy them,  I can’t help myself around them). Annnnnd my students threw me a surprise party on Friday because it was my last day doing my student teaching in their class. They brought lots of cookies and chips and other snack foods – of which I ate NONE! I am pretty proud of myself for that. But, they also gave me gifts of candy and caramel corn, which of course, I ate all of at home. You can’t win them all, I guess.

All in all, I lost a little under half a pound this week, bringing my total back to 10. I also got my 16 week key chain charm thing, which would have been a lot cooler if I had my 10% key ring to put it on. But, let’s not dwell on that. The good news is that I am in graduate school and have lost 10 pounds, when I could have easily gained twice that much or more.

I keep thinking back to the last time I was on WW. I started in December, around the time I did this go-around, but by this time of year, I had lost 30 pounds. This is a little discouraging. I have to keep telling myself that I was 20-going-on-21, not 24, almost 25. I was younger. I also ate a lot of 100 calorie packs and other foods that are not sustainable as a lifestyle. I easily gained all of that weight plus another 20 pounds in the year after I stopped following the plan. I try not to be mad at myself for that, but it’s hard. I have to tell myself that this time I am really trying to change for the better, rather than just eating a lot of microwavable dinners and tiny bags of weird flat Oreos.

I am really hoping that the weather at home is better than it has been here. I’m about to start Spring Break and it is snowing right now. That is another thing that is frustrating. The gym at this school has only five treadmills and four working elliptical machines and it isn’t open late or early enough for me to go before school in the mornings. Every time I have tried to go to the gym recently it has been full. Usually it is dark when I get there, so running on the track isn’t an option because there aren’t lights and I don’t want to get murdered or kidnapped. Plus, its been snowing a lot, and who wants to run in the snow? I looked into getting a membership at the 24 hour gym in town, but its too spendy on my nonexistent income. So how about cardio videos? I live in an upstairs apartment with wood floors. Judging by how much I can hear going on downstairs, I can’t imagine my neighbor would appreciate me doing jumping jacks at 5 am. However, there is a bright side. Next term my schedule changed and I can go back to Zumba! I think I’m only going to be able to go once a week, but that is better than nothing. I am really looking forward to it. I hate feeling so sedentary. I’m also looking forward to it being light out later so I can walk to and from my evening class this term.

 

Self Sabotage. March 11, 2012

Filed under: Self Reflection,SFT,Weigh Ins — The Only Way Up is Down @ 12:38 pm

Last week I weighed in, having lost a total of 11.4 pounds. That meant I was .6 pounds away from finally reaching my 5%. So what happened on the scale this week? I gained 1.8 pounds.

Why is this?

Because I sabotage myself.

Every time that I get near a personal goal, I sabotage myself. Last week started out great: weighing my food, going for a walk, staying in my daily points range. Mid-week? I ate an entire bag of baked Cheetos in two days. I ate a lot of cookies. I went over my daily points by lot.  This continued for the rest of the week. I honestly don’t know what happened. A goal was within reach, and I totally weightlossblocked myself. I do this all the time. Every single time I get near a goal.

Another of my personal goals is to be under 200 pounds by the time I finish graduate school this July. I haven’t been under 200 pounds since I was 21. I want this so bad – but it’s not going to happen if I keep sabotaging myself.

I don’t know how I am going to overcome this. I am not one to go to a therapist or anything, though I have been thinking about it. I am hoping that by writing out these feelings I will gain some clarity and insight into why I do this without having to go talk to someone about how my subconscious seems to be afraid to lose weight.

Today I decided to try the Simply Filling Technique for the first time. I realized that I have been thinking about points since I was 16 years old and maybe I need a break from that. I’m going to try out SFT for today and tomorrow. If I like it, I’ll continue it all week. We’ll see how that goes.

Here’s to a week of trying to stay on track without ruining all of my hard work.