I haven’t updated this blog in four years. Since my last writing, I still have not achieved my goal of losing weight. I just keep giving Weight Watchers all my money, telling myself “This is the time I do it for real!” I am still very overweight.
In fact, in 3 years or so, I gained 40 pounds. Last year, at the beginning of summer, I went to my weigh in, prepared for a gain, only to find out that I had hit the 40 pound mark. I had lost all of the weight I had gained after graduate school in about six months. I was so proud. I had never lost that much weight before. I felt amazing. I was was practically walking on a cloud. I felt like I was finally “doing it.” I had my routines, I had my favorite foods to pack for lunch, I was weighing all of my snacks on the food scale, I was going to a meeting every week, I was making dinners for myself and my boyfriend from the Skinnytaste cookbook I got for Christmas. I was feeling so great and so proud of myself.
I got a fairly stressful summer job with long and and kind of odd hours, and I let that be an excuse to slack on tracking, slack on going to meetings, and slack on doing all of the other things that had made me so successful in the previous six months. I think I gained about 13 pounds between June and September.
At the end of August, again, I got a new job. I was over the moon about it. As the weeks went on, I discovered just how hard it can be to work in a Title I school. I love the work, but it is indeed difficult. I routinely walk between 10,000 and 12,000 steps a day at work alone, but my weight keeps creeping up. I haven’t been dealing with the stress in a healthy way. I don’t know many days I have stopped at a fast food drive through on my way home to sit in my car and shame-eat a cheeseburger and fries, suppressing my feelings underneath the calories. I know I shouldn’t do it. I argue with myself about it. I tell myself, “Not today, sister! You’re better than that!” I sit behind a car or two in the drive though, “It’s not too late, you can still change your mind!” But I don’t change my mind. I order my greasy calories and hope that my boyfriend won’t smell them on my breath when I get home. I hope that he won’t see me sneaking the bag to the trash bin in the parking lot. He knows that I do this sometimes, I’ve confessed a few times to my cheeseburger sins. He does not know that I have done it so many times, though. I am ashamed of myself and my inability to have more willpower.
I went to my meeting this morning, I’m up a little over half a pound. My weight has been wavering since September. Currently, I’m only up 3 pounds from when I started the new job. I think that over years I have learned a lot. I am a lot stronger than I think I am. This afternoon I remembered that I had this blog and decided that it could be a good way to explore my weight loss journey in a more healthful way. I have a feeling that writing will also be a much better way to deal with my stress and feelings than by staring down the bottom of a secret fast food bag.
For this week I have two goals:
- No fast food
- Track my points at least 3 days